Thailand – Finally, a country where a Croat feels wealthy, without it being Bosnia

While the suffering people of Croatia were freezing in a depressed January, Dear Leader Joe and other Freemasonry members fled to warmer regions. The decision fell on Thailand – Phuket. Detractors will say that it’s the Maldives for the poor, but they are just jealous because they cannot afford it.

As before every long journey of the Dear Leader Joe, a red light is lightning in the Central Committee of his parents home. The family anxiously deliberated long into the night. My mother called me and asked in a panicked voice: “I heard you are going to Taiwan?” Me: “What kind of Taiwan?” Mother: “I saw on the news that there are riots there because of the election.” Me: “” I’m going to Thailand.” Mother: “It’s all the same. But, I was just thinking about something… You often travel to faraway places, and I don’t have a spare key to your apartment. If something happens to you, how will I get into the apartment? Something could happen to you, you know! It’s not that I want to snoop around your apartment, but just in case you die.”

The brothers added that I should watch out for Lady Boys, and there was not too much enthusiasm about my trip on social networks either. I was expecting a message like: Have a good trip, take a bath for us too…, but mostly I only got hundreds of warnings about “local beauties” with male tools between their legs. Instead of joy, I caused people stress with my trip. Croats don’t say for nothing: Other people’s happiness is our misfortune.

I caused a mutiny on the plane again. “Why did he get protein bars and we didn’t?” People were saying ”He is treated better because he is not poor! There is no justice for the working class…”

PS: No paid advertising. I cashed out for every bite.

After about 13 hours of flight, I landed in Thailand. I immediately bought an AIS sim card – Unlimited internet and calls for only 20 euros. I recommend that you immediately install their Uber application Indrive. I headed to the center of Phuket at the Cocoon APK Resort & SPA, which was my temporary destination until a Penthouse became available, which is also owned by the owner of this hotel.

I know that the tycoon community will condemn me, but the rooms here are about 38 euros a night. Even my cashier Renata can afford it if she could save up for a plane ticket, but luckily she can’t. I expect an attack by the union of cashiers in 3,2,1…

I left my things in the room and immediately went down to the restaurant within the hotel – Fire Steakhouse and Grill. They offer Thai, Pakistani-Indian, Moroccan and European cuisine. I said to the waiter: “Give me something Thai!” Give me this steak and don’t skimp on the potatoes.”

The meat melted in my mouth like the value of my savings after inflation. They use some Pakistani-Indian spices, so I assumed as a great gastro expert that this was not an authentic Thai dish. To make up for it, I ordered a pineapple chicken salad and a mango smoothie. If this is not the taste of Thailand, then Lady Boys have no D..k.

Croats have Ozujsko and Karlovacko, and Thais have Singha and Chang beer. You have to be careful when you order a large beer, because they are a liter beer, not a half liter. Actually, you don’t have to be careful 🙂

I think all this cost me around 25-30 euros. Finally, a country where a Croat feels wealthy, without it being Bosnia. I expect attacks in 3,2,1… Bosnia and Herzegovina, not Bosnia!

As the Dear Leader Joe has Masonic connections everywhere, I was also welcomed in Thailand by my colleague Eva, who coincidentally ended up in Phuket when I did (Or maybe she’s following me?). 

She rented a scooter for 5 euros per day and generously offered to be my driver. Traffic is crazy. I almost died the first day because I looked to the left when crossing the road. That’s what they taught me at school. There was no one on the left. I took a step, and when to the right three scooters, a TukTuk and a van… Leftists members. They drive on the left side. Crossing the road is literally waving your arms and legs in the hope that someone will stop. I agreed to let Eva drive me on the condition that the helmet is mine. She already had a hat on her head, so she was protected. We headed to the Centara Grand beach resort in Phuket because my colleague Tina works there as an animator. Now I know why she refused the job in Mcdonald’s 🙂

I promised Eva that I would pay for lunch if she made me a commercial for Cibona sunglasses. By buying these unisex shades that are made in Croatia, you look cool and helping basketball club CIBONA 🙂

This is a gastronomic paradise. The Asian food here tastes better than anything Asian you ordered through your Wolt app 🙂

After her shift ended, Tina showed me the real Thailand. We saw Eva off, and we headed to Patong Beach (it leads to the city beach, which you can skip). Kudo Beach Club by the beach is OK. Excellent cocktails. They cost around 6 euros, but the best part is the DJ in a Cibona jersey 🙂

@dearleaderjoe DJ – Thailand – Cibona jersey 🙂 #cibona #dj #beachclub #fyp ♬ original sound – Dear Leader Joe

That whole Bangla street looks like the big (Fake Rolex, Gucci handbags heaven…), but with additional content. Numerous restaurants, bars, clubs where the world’s most famous DJ’s are guests and, of course, the inevitable Lady Boys who hang around drunk Englishmen. Some you can figure out right away, and some really look like women, and maybe they are women. In almost every massage parlor (an hour of oil massage about 10 euros) they will offer you a Happy End (manual or oral) for an additional fee, and you can also arrange for other activities, if you are ready for Thai roulette (Maybe there is D… , maybe there is no D…). Clubs have a happy hour from 10:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m., and during that period you can drink unlimitedly for 1,000 Thai baht, which is about 25 euros. It sounded tempting, but the locals later told me that it was a trick for tourists because they put only 10% real alcohol, mixed with some cheap shit.

Weed is legalized, so there are marijuana shops like this on every corner. Asian Amsterdam.

Near my hotel is a night market with the best food. There is nothing that they don’t have and at really ridiculous prices. I saw some fruit for the first time in my life, and for the first time I tasted a real pineapple, not GMO crap that were selling me in my local supermarket. Not to mention the mango. We used to drink it like Dracula the blood of the Romanian peasants.

Be sure to try the coconut ice cream with many free toppings (Banana, mango, tapioca…). A scoop of ice cream is 2.5 euros.

Somehow, everything tastes better when you dip your feet in an aquarium with fish that gently nibble the dead skin off your soles 🙂

I had to try the crocodile meat (Costs less than one euro). The rubber shit was so tough that I couldn’t chew a single piece of meat. F..k the crocodiles. Long live Brazilian chicken.

At the end, we ordered spring rolls, prawns and a couple of Thai sushi with the indispensable Thai beer, this time Chang. This was damn good.

Even though I had already eaten the ice cream, I couldn’t pass up the Thai Banana Nutella Pancakes which we later had with cheese and Nutella. It’s a brutal combination that Eva revealed to us. Normally, I used Revolut to pay, but only cash passes through the market. ATM’s take about 5 euros to withdraw cash, so I paid Tina money into her account, and she gave me her stash of Thai baht. The wolf is full, all the sheep are numbered, said the wolf eating the shepherd.

Across from the market is the Arena for Muay Thai or Thai Boxing which is also known as “The Art of Eight Limbs”, because it is characterized by the combined use of hands, elbows, knees and shins. My generation grew up on Jean Claude Van Damme movies and everyone surely remembers the movie Kickboxer, which popularized this martial art, which later gained even more popularity in our country when Branko Cikatic won the first K1 tournament in 1993 by knocking out the legend of that sport, Ernesto Hoost (He knocked him out in their second fight as well, so it was no coincidence), and later Mirko Cro Cop followed in his footsteps and became one of the greatest K1 and Ultimate fight fighters in the history. I talked to an IT guy from South Africa who lives in Phuket and fights there 4 times a week. For the three rounds, the fighters get only 10,000 Thai baht, which is about 250 euros. If they fight 5 rounds, they get twice as much, but it’s still peanuts.

@dearleaderjoe Fight to survive #muaythai #fight #borba #kickboxing ♬ sonido original – tomasmalco2021

The next morning I was late for breakfast because of JetLag. This is what an early lunch looks like for less than 10 euros 🙂

I agreed with Eva to meet at Katahtani beach. This beach has two entrances. One is Katahtani beach and it is the entrance to the poor. The beach, i.e. the sea, looks like you are swimming in the river Ganges. Of course, I came to that entrance, and she was smarter and entered through the Katahtani resort. The only advantage of the poor part of the beach are Mango smoothies for a euro and 25 cents.

Exclusive part of the beach. Sunbeds cost us 2 and a half euros per person for the whole day. A parasol is included in the price.

Nobody in Thailand knows where Croatia is, but this young gentleman has at least heard of Yugoslavia, so I had to buy a couple of Thai scarves. I used my haggling skills that I had honed over the years in my ”Bronx” neighborhood. He says one scarf for 850 baht, and two for 1500 baht. I said politely: “I’ll F..k you 1500 times.” Yesterday I saw the same one for 200.” He: “Impossible. It’s not the same quality. See this material. Mine are better. I’ll give you two for 1000.” Me: “I’ve never seen 1000 baht in my life. I have 500 and that’s enough to get me through the week.” In the end, he took pity on me and gave me two scarves for 500 on the condition that it remain a secret. Of course, I could lower the price even more, but the average salary there is around 350 euros, so I was generous 🙂

We were hungry after swimming, and there is an interesting restaurant near the beach. The young chef Nikola Lesar, the winner of the second season of the culinary show Masterchef, has been living in Thailand for eight years, and in the middle of the lockdown he opened his second restaurant, Issara, in Phuket. He runs the restaurant with his brother Filip, who is a cocktail master.

If you are wondering, Issara means Freedom in Thai. I go to the other side of the world to get as far away from Croatia as possible, but I can’t escape from Croats. Is that Freedom?

Chef’s lasagna, Dear Leader’s favorite. Chef needs to teach my mother how to prepare lasagna. The last time I ate burnt dough with hints of some mixed Polish meat stuck to the melted Podravec cheese. (If you don’t know what is Podravec, you are happy)

Wagyu & Foie Gras Blue Cheese Truffle Burger – Big Mac for everyone, and high class burgers only for us 🙂

Issara Crab Cakes (Although there is no C from cakes here)

Matcha lava cake with dark Belgian chocolate was the dessert.

After dessert, it is best to order another dessert. Coconut & Thai Rum Creme Brulee.

Everyone told us that I had to visit the Phi Phi Islands in Thailand, so we booked a trip at the hotel. They became world famous when Phi Phi Le was used as a location for the British-American film “The Beach”. My recommendation is to pay a few euros more and go in a smaller group, not with half of Russia. It’s amazing experience 🙂

What will happen when the Dear Leader Joe steps there? Illegal construction, concreting… the sky is the limit.

I have a family WhatsApp group with two brothers and a sister called “Three Assholes and a Slut”. I sent them this photo with my arms outstretched, and the youngest brother, aka KING of BAD LUCK, said: “If I had spread my arms like that in the middle of a sunny day, I would have been struck by lightning.” He did not admire the crystal clear sea, sandy beaches, untouched nature. .. He just asked me: “Did you step on a sea urchin? I always stop at the sea urchin, that’s why I don’t go to the sea anymore.”

Eva had a plan for us to see the sunrise the next day at the top of Nakkerd Hill in Phuket near Chalong. There is a statue of the Great Buddha sitting there. The official name is Phra Phutta Ming Mongkol Eknakiri, abbreviated to Ming Mongkol Buddha. I know there are spiritual travelers out there, but I’m not one of them, especially if being spiritual means getting up early and I’m on vacation. I told her: “Just go there and send the photos, and I’ll include it in my column as if it were me.” No one will know.”

The location is full of monkeys who know how to steal your cell phone or camera if you are not careful enough. Some kind of monkey Crime family in Thailand. Nobody can do anything to them. 

While Eva made her pilgrimage, I enjoyed the three-room Penthouse I mentioned earlier. Located on the fourth floor of the Absolute Twin Sands Resort & Spa in Phuket.

Swimming pool and mini-golf on the rooftop… Dear Leader Joe cannot spent his holiday like an average Joe. I don’t even need to mention that in just a few hours I broke the World Record in Mini Golf, which was recorded by numerous TV cameras. Tina can testify to everything.

@dearleaderjoe Hole in one for the 100000 euro prize 🙂 #golf #fyp #holeinone ♬ original sound – Dear Leader Joe

The Blue Mango Bar and Grill is located within the resort. I ordered a great Pad Thai, i.e. I thought it was great until I found out it had more sugar than Coca Cola. Be sure to tell them not to put sugar in the sauce, and even in Thailand, when you order fruit smoothies, you have to tell them that because they put huge amounts of sugar in everything, or even worse, artificial sugar. Without a sweet addition, everything is so tasty. 

Maybe I’m not for walks at dawn, but I’m for the pool at noon and for business. Eva received spiritual enlightenment, and I received business enlightenment thanks to her. I drank a cocktail during the Happy Hour at 4PM and thought to myself modestly: “I’m such a genius… How did I not think of this earlier?” Namely, the idea is to make a large golden statue of JUDAS in Croatia. Croatia has a great history of traitors and I think it could become a tourist attraction. They say bad artists copy and good artists steal. I am a good artist. I used a Thai design that I will give credit to myself below. I hope that someone from the Croatian Tourist Board is reading this.

Golden Judas 🙂

The penultimate day I returned to Cocoon APK Resort & SPA. We had a tasting of Pakistani food (Actually, the owner said that I should put Indian food better, since they have similar or the same spices, and Indian cuisine is easier to brand.) Pakistani/Indian food without Tina and Mango smoothies is like a village without a church and a school.

We were joined by our colleague Ashan, who organized us a trip to the Phi Phi Islands.

Silence of the Lambs.

There is always a Judas who orders a burger, but an Old School burger 🙂

We continued hanging out by the pool on the hotel’s rooftop, where we later had a Russian after party with a DJ.

Last day I visited Eva at the luxury resort Noku Phuket. The hotel is like in a mini-jungle with a view of the whole city, and in order not to get lost, every time you go to a restaurant, to the pool or somewhere, you have to call a driver who comes to pick you up within a few minutes.

I looked at my new Seiko watch and thought: “Now the suffering people will say that the Dear Leader Joe is poor because if he wasn’t he would be wearing a Rolex.” It’s not that the Dear Leader didn’t bring a Rolex with him, but if I put it on my hand, then the serfs would say: “There, he pretends to be wealthy and buys fake Rolexes in Thailand.” No one has yet been born who would please the poor.

At the pool, I met three teachers from China who are also the representatives of Cibona fans in that distant but friendly country.

@cibona.official Heja, Heja Cibosi ???????? #kkcibona #hejahejacibosi ♬ original sound – KK CIBONA

I also met a super interesting family from Sweden at the pool. I hereby thank them for all the fruit they fed me during the day, which, apart from pineapples, I have never heard of, of course.

Sami is a Tae Kwon Do master, and his friend is a former Swedish basketball player and a big fan of Cibona. We are known around the world for basketball, not just football.

After hanging out all day, Eva and I headed to the airport. I was thinking what message to write at the end? Thailand is a beautiful country. Nature, sandy beaches, sea… 30 degrees every day, but the heat is not unpleasant like in Croatia. Their rainy season starts sometime in April and lasts until October. The food is phenomenal and much cheaper than in Europe. The waiters may not know the best English and are not the fastest when serving, but they make up for it with incredible kindness and a smile that never leaves their face. Even in traffic no one honks, but the most important thing is that I am tall in Thailand. They are all shorter than me. Finally, a country where I can look down on people. Now I understand why many people spend the whole winter here. It is cheaper for me to be in Thailand than in Zagreb. Now that everyone is again threatening with mandatory military service and announcing new wars, I am sure that I will defend Croatia from distant but friendly Thailand. 

Do I have any complaints?

They simply need good consulting for tourism. Amateurs work every day. They have never heard of a non-working Sunday, not to mention VAT, which is about 7% instead of rounding everything up to 25%. They legalized weed and prostitution, and we know very well that this does not bring money, but only a place in hell. I think one of our government experts should visit this suffering country and explain to them how we do it. Let them emulate the professionals 🙂

Joking aside, I will refer to the beginning of the column. If this is the Maldives for the poor, I want to be poor 🙂

PS: Return: My mother called me worriedly and asked: “Have you returned to Croatia?” I answered: “I have.” Mother: “Of course you have. You wouldn’t answer if you were in Thailand. Will you join us for Sunday lunch? I hope you won’t bring us some plague? Maybe you should go to quarantine sooner?”

I skipped the quarantine and brought gifts to my family. The old man saw a bag on the table and asked: “What kind of garbage is this?” I answered: “It’s not garbage.” It’s dried mango.” Father: ”In this house we don’t eat dried shit, only fresh!” He took a piece, smelled it and returned it to the table. My mother warned him: “If you touched something with dirty hands, you can’t put it back on the table.” You are like animal! Now you have to eat it!” He took a piece of dried mango with disgust and put it in his mouth. He had an expression on his face as if he had put soap in his mouth. Even If he liked the taste, he would never admit it.

Author: Josip Novosel aka Vin Diesel for poor people aka Dear Leader Joe, correspondent member of the magazine “I like Buddha, but I believe in Golden Juda”, first and foremost a man, and only then a tycoon and Gastro Snob.

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