Puntijarka – Who says turkey with mlinci and blood sausages don’t go well with sparkling wine?

Željko told his family: “We aren’t going to the Seychelles this year. I’ve hired ”Dear Leader Joe” to promote Puntijarka and that costs a fortune. We need a bit of glamour up on Sljeme. I’ve even ordered French sparkling wine just to make sure he shows up. If only I’d stayed in the Communist Party, I’d have a red carpet for him. Now, as it is, I have to humiliate myself in front of one of the biggest tycoons in Croatia.

It had been raining since early that Saturday morning. I thought to myself: “Is the sky weeping for Yugoslavia? Who would climb Sljeme in weather like this?” Fortunately, my Ukrainian colleague Ekaterina suggested we drive up in her car and Mia and Vana joined us as well. As the ancient Latins would say, “Hannibal ante portas” or in translation: “Better to arrive at Sljeme with three pretty girls than with just one.”

I wanted to impress them right away. I said to Željko: “Give me the most expensive thing as an appetizer! Give me the homemade strukli, made with real homemade cow’s milk cheese and full-fat cream… absolutely no trace of margarine.”

Eating strukli without sparkling wine is like eating a Philly cheesesteak without the steak. For those who don’t know: for a sparkling wine to be called Champagne, it must come from the Champagne region of France. If the exact same wine or even a better one is produced just two meters outside that region, it can no longer be called Champagne; it must be labeled simply as sparkling wine.

It’s like someone from New Jersey moving to Brooklyn, wearing a Yankees cap, and claiming they’re a ‘born-and-bred New Yorker.’ Look, buddy, you can say ‘tawk’ and ‘cawfee’ all you want, but you’re still from Jersey. To be a real New Yorker, your great-grandparents needed to survive on dollar slices here.

But look, that’s like the whole ‘deep dish pizza’ debate. Chicago can complain all they want that Chicago-style is the only real pizza, but deep down, we all know it’s just a lasagna with a crust.”

Željko quickly realized he could source top-quality French sparkling wines capable of competing with many Champagnes, but at much more affordable prices, since they don’t come from the Champagne region. P.S. There is one Champagne in the photo, too. Expose JUDAS.

At Puntijarka, you can order sparkling wine by the glass for ”5–6 euros” or a whole bottle for just around 40 euros. Something doesn’t have to be expensive to be good, nor does it have to be cheap to be bad 🙂

The strukli vanished just like Slaven Bilić’s hope that the football match against England would end with fewer than five goals conceded. The difference, however, was that these strukli didn’t leave a bitter taste in the mouth.

We told Željko we were all in training so he should put together a modest platter for us. Just a little bit of everything: turkey with *mlinci* (flatbread strips), mashed potatoes, breaded chicken, sauerkraut, polenta, roast pork, Samobor-style steak, fresh pork sausages, venison goulash, a bit of buckwheat stew, and some salad for a splash of color. No need to go overboard with anything.

Vana’s gaze was Mongol-sensual, yet as mysterious as a nightstand.

Who says turkey with *mlinci* and blood sausages don’t go well with sparkling wine? Admittedly, there were no blood sausages since it’s not the season yet, but they’ll be here soon 🙂

For traditionalists, the menu at Puntijarka remains unchanged. They’ll be adding salt cod and squid stew to the lineup and they even have a cake warmer so you’ll never be able to complain that the cake is ” as cold as a whore’s heart.” Prices have remained nominal, with most dishes costing between 6 and 10 euros. Željko emphasized that Puntijarka is set to become a zero-waste restaurant, though I’m not here to promote saving the world, just myself 🙂

While we were waiting for the cakes, Vana asked me to take a photo of her in the new pants she had sewn herself. They are part of the new clothing brand she’s launching. She insisted that everything looks  as spontaneous as a miscarriage, so it wouldn’t look like a paid ad 🙂

Željko mentioned that their selection of cakes includes walnut roll, poppy seed roll, pineapple and apricot strudel, apple strudel, apple and plum strudel, sour cherry strudel, cheese strudel, Međimurje layer cake… I told him not to bother listing them all, but just to bring everything to the table 🙂

After this adventure, I’m changing my nickname to FAT JOE 🙂

Ekatarina and Mia rebelled after the cake, but not because there was too little cake. Mia said: “You only took pictures of Vana in nature, and you skipped us.” The fact that she was satisfied with the quality of the coffee and the amount of milk in it for the first time in a while did not help either.

I explained in vain that Vana was promoting clothing. Ekatarina added: “Either you take photos of us, too, or you walk down from Sljeme.” Not even Zelenski threatened Putin like that.

Pixi the cat couldn’t believe his feline ears.

In a show of solidarity with the working class, I decided to have a beer, or as the locals call it, “champagne for the poor.” Puntijarka has a contract with Zagrebačka pivovara, so their selection includes Ožujsko, Beck’s, Griff, Franziskaner, Staropramen, Tomislav, Vukovarsko, and more; yet, out of all those options, I opted for the patriotic choice: Madri. Yo soy Jose 🙂

They also offer non-alcoholic beverages, but my faith forbids me from publishing them.

What message to leave you with? Whatever you do, don’t head to Sljeme on a Monday or Tuesday, as Puntijarka is closed then. From Wednesday through Sunday, feel free to make your way up, whether on foot, by cable car, or by car and enjoy the delights of traditional Croatian cuisine amidst the fresh mountain air.

This is the smile of a man who transferred his savings meant for the Seychelles into the Dear Leader Joe’s account. You, too, can have a smile like this if you get in touch with me and transfer a hefty sum in euros. It’s the least I can do for you 🙂

#Withturkeyagainstcaviar

www.instagram.com/dearleaderjoe

http://www.facebook.com/dearleaderjoe

@dearleaderjoe.official