I got a photo message from my little sister the other day showing a diamond ring on her finger. I asked her: “Did you rob Albanians jewelry shop or what?” She said: “No, you imbecile… I got engaged to Shannon. He bought the ring.” A red light went off at the central comity of my parent’s shit hole village. This was the first time in the village’s history that someone had a diamond on their hand.
Since Shannon, her Australian fiancé, came to Croatia, we had to celebrate the engagement. “Congrats sis! I’m taking you out to experience the finest dining. We’re gonna have some crepes.” My little sis is only getting married for the first time once and I can’t be cheap on that occasion.
Le Mika restaurant recently moved from Massarykova to Teslina street and they have the most amazing sweet or savory French crepes as well as interesting breakfasts on their menu.
We sat on the terrace and I smugly ordered three little beers. My sister looked at me in awe. I said to her: “Don’t worry about the price. Your bro is treating you today.”
Sister said she would like some crepes with walnuts. I looked at her crosseyed from disgust and said: “Walnut crepes are for poor peasants. You’re not in your village anymore.” I have apologized to the kind waitress on her behalf and decided to order for the three of us in order to avoid any more excesses. For myself I have chosen a humble smoked salmon crepe.
Shannon has agreed that the chicken crepe was the best choice for him and sister decided on ratatouille and bacon crepe, even though Shannon is an Adventist. Namely, there is only one true God in my sisters village and he likes pork. Halleluiah!
I watched them holding hands and being all in love before I interrupted the romantic moment between the “lords of the rings” and asked my sister: “How do you know it’s not a zircon? I use to sell those at the tram stop in the hood.” Sister: “Shannon is a pilot! He would never get me a zircon instead of a diamond.” I said to her: “Haven’t you heard of that Latin saying: “Hanibal ante portas!”; as translated – Do not trust pilots, even when they bear presents.
I glanced upon my watch and realized it was time for an old village test of love. If he passed, Shannon would be the right choice for my sister.
I have ordered a glass of Prosecco and threw the diamond ring inside. We waited to see weather it would change color. The ring stayed the same and Shannon felt like all the weight was lifted off of his chest. Either this was the best knock off I have ever seen, or Shannon truly was the perfect choice for my sister. I said to him: “Welcome to the family. My sister is sold!”
An engagement party without desert is like Australia without kangaroos.
These were the best crepes we have ever tried. Saying that, I have a message for my parents – Fuck your walnuts and jam!
We had to look around because the interior was stunning.
To finish off, here’s a photo of the two love birds who shall live long and happily in the land where everything can kill you (spiders, kangaroos, koalas, sharks, jelly fish, snakes, the sun…)
My next column will be from Australia featuring a video of me playing Croatian trash songs to the amazed wedding guests.
Nikole Tesle 14
mob: 098 984 3395
Author: Josip Novosel aka Gastro Snob aka Dear Leader, corresponding member of the “Australians are humans too” magazine, a friend to the wealthy, a tycoon and a snob, but above all a human.