I still clearly remember the advice my old mother gave me before I went sailing: “Eat a lot of cabbage so you don’t get scurvy!” Namely, everyone from my parents shithole village is an expert in sailing. Magellan is nothing comparing to them. I could not explain to her that I wasn’t going on a trip around the world, just on a three day cruise around Kornati. This year, she was sustained. “You eat at fancy restaurants, you sail and we’re supposed to starve! I mean who is paying for all that?” Father replied: “CIA, woman! CIA! They have destroyed half of the world, they will destroy him too!”
We have decided to redo the entire Kornati trip, but this time we would sail for five days. The only thing we didn’t count on was the fact that this was the busiest nautical season at Jadran ever and it was nearly impossible to find a sailing boat for ten people. Four days before departure we still did not have a boat. I prayed to God and Allah to help me in this impossible mission. One of them must have heard my prayers because I accidentally stumbled upon a monoflot.com site and a charter agency Vishe Radugi. I contacted them immediately and got a very nice Russian owner Anna on the line. I don’t know why, but I immediately asked her how come she came to work in Croatia when everyone is running away and how did she even get here. She said: “What do you mean how did I get here? On a plane, of course.” She asked me for my name and I proudly said Josip. She said: “Ohh, comrade Stalin!” I replied: “Nope, comrade Tito.” I apologized right away for my country being an EU “errand boy“ and for introducing visa’s for the Russians and she gratefully said they had one more boat with only four cabins HANSE 445, but it could fit two more people at the saloon and that we could take it if we reserved it right away.
The boat was docked at the Kaštela harbor so we changed our route and chose Vis archipelago instead of Kornati.
From the first day we have decided that there would be no discrimination on the boat. In that spirit, I have allowed Ivana of Vishe Radugi Sailing to board my stuff. I knew there was a reason for the women to get equal rights. My job was to make sure all of the hard labour was done properly and I pointed out all those who were slacking.
As soon as we entered the boat, I thought of an old village saying: “Women on board bring bad luck!” If that was true, we were heading for a Titanic type cataclysm because we had five women on board (SOS – PMS). We boarded all the stuff and sailed to the Stončica cove on Monday.
I’ve been taking photos the entire time and when you’re on a rocking boat, looking at the camera screen is more dangerous than going to Syria for a summer vacation. I got sick after ten minutes. I’ve heard a murmur in the background: “He’s got one foot in the grave!” My friends tried to comfort me by singing: “Knock-knock-knockin’ on heaven’s door…” I thought these might be the last photos I will ever take.
I started with an intro about women bringing bad luck. Along with my nausea on the first day, that theory was confirmed by the fact that in this crazy heat we have lost all our water reserves on the boat. Why? Glad you asked. Someone (read: a girl) didn’t close the shower all the way and the water just poured out. We have decided to go to Vis on Tuesday and fill up the tank. We ate some breakfast, swam a bit and arrived to Vis at 11 o’clock.
The beauty of the island was overshadowed by the fact that we were late to the harbor because they poured water only until 10am and told us to come tomorrow. If Keith Richards can drink wine the entire day, so can we. We didn’t let the lack of water on the boat ruin our good mood.
I did not strangle my colleague Krešo, also known as the king of anticorrosive protection, because of the lack of water, but because of the fact he provoked me with his new SEIKO wrist watch. I wanted to buy one for myself before heading to the coast, one that can go under the water, perfect for sailing, but I didn’t have the time and now I was stuck being jealous at Krešo like a true Croat and almost strangled him at one point.
After the crew has separated us, there was no choice left but to take a swim and for that we have chosen a beautiful port Biševo. We have decided to sleep over at this gorgeous cove and went to the restaurant for some pancakes before sleep. The owner has said there were so few people on the island outside the season that he goes around the houses in the mornings, checking if there is smoke coming out of them. If there isn’t any smoke, he knows that yet another islander has passed away.
That is my colleague Goran jumping on the photo below. He is a designer and an owner of the company ENDEM.HR. Naturally, he did not pay me for this advertisement, but you know, I am a good person so I thought I’d publish the man’s occupation.
On Wednesday, we have sailed to the Blue cave. Unfortunately, we were left under the impression that the whole field trip to the cave was a “TAKE MONEY AND RUN” thing. I mean, the cave was really beautiful and worth seeing but for 70 kuna per person, we have expected a bit more. We didn’t swim in it nor took enough photos because the guide kept hurrying us so that the other boats waiting in line could get in. It was just a plain “fast food” experience.
After the Blue cave, we traveled to Komiža which we were, unfortunately, only able to observe from the deck and afterwards we went to the cove Zakamica to take a swim.
In the evening we anchored in Vis. We weren’t able to reserve a table for 10 anywhere because that was the day of the Yachting week event and everything was booked. We got drunk on the boat and skipper Neven drove us to the nearby bar in a dingy. Another confirmation of women being bad luck on a boat was his girlfriend Ana who took a romantic dingy ride with him when suddenly, in the middle of the channel, they ran out of fuel. Naturally, they didn’t even have a light. That was more stupid than Captain of Titanic’s decision to say: “Full speed ahead! Fuck the ice!” They were lucky to be noticed by a skipper who was also Neven’s acquaintance. He has saved them in the last second.
On Thursday we sailed from Vis to the cove Milna to take a swim. We looked around the cove Rukavac, Mala and Vela Travna and the cherry on the top was a nice swim at the most popular cove of the island of Vis – Stiniva. The cove is around 600 m long and surrounded by tall and unreachable stone rocks. Towards the end of the cove, there are a few uninhabited fishermen houses which are, along with the cove, protected as a natural resort. The cove was as full as Dear Leaders labor camp, but in spite of the numerous tourists and boats, this was one of the most beautiful places on the Adriatic which you must certainly visit.
In the evening we anchored in a lagoon of the Mali and Veli Budikovac island where we proved once again how women aboard are bad luck. Just before going to bed, the rope which we tied to the beacon has snapped and we almost hit another boat. If we were in the medieval ages, someone would surely be burned on a bonfire. Unfortunately, we are civilized people. I got up the next morning at 6 o’clock and jumped in for a swim. I swam to the nearest island and did my “number two” in the shallows when suddenly, a goat approached me. I thought to myself: “If I get up now, butt naked and with a goat in front of me, someone will accuse me of zoophilia.” Luckily, the goat left and I swam around the boat for an hour like an idiot because everyone was still asleep and the ramp wasn’t down so I couldn’t climb up on the boat.
On Friday we went to the cove Stončica, more accurately the restaurant Konoba Stončica. They did not have any blue fish available even though it was on the menu, their seafood was frozen, the soup tasted instant like and the waiter was extremely unkind. The general impression was more than desperate, but I will compliment on the meat which was very nicely prepared.
I had my saxophone with me, but I had no chance to play it. We have assigned music playing to my new B&O Beolit 17 bluetooth speaker which I have bought specifically for this trip. Conchita Wurst has never sounded so good. We partied like those lively folks down at the retirement center.
The last evening of the trip we stayed at the Nečujam cove on Šolta. We got pissed on mojitos and other alcoholic beverages and celebrated our five day trip in great style. Once again, as we were heading home, we have proved that women aboard are in fact bad, bad luck. After we have returned the sailing boat, the scuba diver has found a plastic bag tied around our propeller and we had to pay a hundred euros extra for the cleaning. Actually, we went pretty well because the damage could have been even bigger.
All in all, it was an unforgettable experience and we are definitely coming back next year. I have to praise our lovely Anna and her employee Ivana who have always been available for us. If you are interested in spending an unforgettable summer at the Adriatic and see all the beautiful beaches and islands, sailing is the right option for you and I can definitely recommend Vishe Radugi. All of the info you can find on their web page www.monoflot.com.
We have proved that a woman aboard brings bad luck and five women…well that is a cataclysm. On the other hand, if they weren’t there, who would have washed all the dishes? EVERY CLOUD HAS A SILVER LINING.
PS: As soon as I got back home, I bought a new divers Seiko wrist watch. Are you at peace now Krešimir Kekez?
PSS: Special thanks to CANON HRVATSKA: https://www.facebook.com/CanonHrvatska
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Author: Josip Novosel aka Dear Leader Joe, Vin Diesel for poor people and part time curse caster, corresponding member of the “It’s better to sail than to be poor” magazine, friend to the wealthy, above all a human and only then a tycoon and a Gastro Snob.