Dear Leader Joe at the Oscars in Los Angeles

A red light turned on in the Central Committee of Cucerje (Mother of the all shitholes in Croatia where my parents live). Word got out that the Dear Leader Joe was traveling to Los Angeles for the Oscars. No one from that shithole had ever gone on such a glamorous trip. For the suffering people of Cucerje, this was like landing a man on the moon. The only ones more excited were the representatives of the Hollywood elite. Margot Robbie “I was the first to follow him on Instagram, he’s mine, you cow…! Anya Taylor Joy: “Who cares, you goat! He’s mine…!” ”Kendal Jenner: “I didn’t go under the knife to leave him to you. Boom… Trass! AAA…. Bitch! Not for extensions!”

My family couldn’t hide their delight. Mother: “Who pays for your trips?” Father: “CIA!” Brother Miroslav: “I know him well. He’s stingy. He’s going now because there was a fire in Los Angeles. It’s probably cheaper now. You know he has a snake in his wallet!” Brother Kresimir: ”What are you going to do there if everything is burned? Your plane will surely crash, and if you survive the flight, someone will kill you there. Don’t you watch the news? In America, everyone has guns. They kill someone every now and then. You’re a perfect target. It’ll be all over the news that a Croatian influencer was killed.” Sister Helena: ”It’s not fair! I want to go to America too. Take me with you! One more question: Who gets your apartment if they kill you?”

Our people don’t say silence is golden for nothing. I shouldn’t tell them anything. I filled out the ESTA form, bought a plane ticket (850 euros) and headed to Hollywood. Before I turned off my phone, on the WhatsApp family group: ”Three Assholes and a Slut”, I read warm brotherly greetings: Brother Kresimir: ”Watch the movie ”Cast Away” before the plane trip, just in case, so you’re prepared for anything that could happen to you. Brother Miroslav: ”A film about one of the most horrific plane crashes in history has arrived on Netflix…” Brother Kresimir also sends a link: ”Aviation and plane crashes – Statistics”

One would wonder: ”What could possibly go wrong after such warm greetings?” To my joy, I landed in Los Angeles alive and well, but to my regret, my suitcase did not. It got stuck during a layover in Amsterdam. They asked me if I had anything valuable in my suitcase. I couldn’t speak from shock. A picture speaks a thousand words: Two bottles of De Gotho wine, Rolex, Torkul olive oil, Milo Hrnic hit record… Tears flowed down my beautiful tycoon eyes.

Cucer’s spells bore fruit. To make matters worse, my new Xiaomi 14 ultra Chinese mobile phone did not support an E-sim card, but neither an American Sim card, so I was condemned to 11 days of searching for WIFI and begging for Hot Spots. I was picked up at the airport by my Korean friend John, with whom I was a guest in Burbank. I greeted him warmly: “Where are you, Rice eater?”, and he greeted me even more warmly: “I’m here, Cevapi King”. I bragged to him about how my arrival in LA had started and at that moment there was a bang. Some Mexican guy crashed into our car on the highway. Cartel’s attack on me on the first day? In fact, it was a chain collision because he also picked up an Asian woman. This is the Cucer’s curse: ”My brothers really want to kill me. Not even Cain behaved this way towards Abel. Come to think of it, Cain killed Abel… Fuck!” John and I looked at each other and realized we were alive and well. I said to him, ”Maybe this is God’s punishment for driving an electric car. I know you don’t complain at free transportation, but who picks up a friend in a Tesla?

We made a circle, pulled over to the side, and then I expected a Croatian-style argument to start: “You jerk! How are you driving?” The Mexican pulls out a knife, John pulls out a gun, the Asian girl plays an American Ninja…, I heroically run away…, but I’ve obviously watched too many Hollywood movies. Everyone politely exchanged information, recorded the damage, and continued on their way. Any normal person would be happy because we’re all alive and well, but Dear Leader Joe is everything but not normal. I said to John: “How stupid I am! I should have said right away that I felt pain in my neck. It’s like I heard a crack after the crash. Is it too late to call an ambulance and a lawyer now? This might be my last chance to earn some big money. 10 million for the neck injury and another 10 for mental pain because I’m not the same anymore. I can’t sleep at night. “John just laughed and said: “You really watch too many movies. It’s not as simple as you think, and the compensation isn’t as great. If you can’t sleep, in your case, that’s what you call “Jet Leg”. You’ve arrived in a different time zone. 9 hours difference.

Not even a great lunch at the nearby Mexican restaurant ”Coni’Seafood” could ease my sadness.

Mexican fish – You eat burns, You shit burns 🙂

I wanted to order a Corona, but John warned me that they don’t drink it. Their Corona is like our Ozujsko, a beer for the construction workers. They mostly drink Modelo from Mexican beers, and he recommended that I get a Michelada – a Mexican drink made from beer, lime juice, various sauces (often chili-based), spices and chili peppers. It is served in a chilled glass rimmed with salt.

Michelada – Coni’Seafood – Mexican restaurant – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr

After lunch, we finally arrived at my friend’s modest home in Burbank. It is a small town in California. It is located in Los Angeles County, about 10 km northwest of the city of the same name. It is best known for being the headquarters of numerous companies, especially those in the entertainment and media industries, and is therefore also known as the “Media Capital of the World”: ABC, NBC, SEGA, The Walt Disney Company, Warner Bros. i Warner Music Group. A number of people from the entertainment world also live or have lived in the city: Orlando Bloom, Tim Burton, Hilary Duff, Zac Efron, Ron Howard, Shia LaBeouf, Jay Leno, Sean Penn, Eddie Van Halen and others. Dear Leader Joe don’t hang out with the peasants 🙂

I discovered Otto’s, a store run by a Hungarian, on the street next to us. It sells only European groceries and also sells Croatian products like Vegeta, Cokolino, our wines, and numerous other Croatian products.

The other day I told John that I wanted to elevate myself culturally. Since he knows me well, he took me to a shopping mall, but not just any mall. Americana in Glendale. Brutal as it looks. People even have apartments within the mall, fountains, a mini tram, Phil Collins softly singing from the speakers… Shopping paradise.

We had to try the most famous cheesecake at ”The Cheesecake Factory” located within Americana. Each slice has 1000 to 1500 calories. We decided on this diet version with only 1000 calories. My new nickname is Fat Joe 🙂

Since we didn’t have lunch, after dessert we had no choice but to get in the car and go for brutal smash burgers at the “For The Win” burger joint. The combination of soft buns on a bed of “GMO” cheese that melted in your mouth like Albanian ice cream in the summer heat and juicy meat that was crunchy like the insects that the Bill Gates is feeding us to replace protein in our diet. Perfection of taste. Americans really know how to make a good burger.

We had to cancel our dinner reservation at the Italian restaurant Cipriani in Beverly Hills because the delivery guy called us to say that my suitcase had arrived and would be delivered to our home address around 7pm. Finally, clean clothes 🙂 We agreed to go to Manhattan Beach tomorrow – a neighborhood in the South Bay with the Strand bike path that stretches along a kilometer of sandy beach along the ocean and passes by modern houses and numerous volleyball courts.

We ordered breakfast at a local restaurant and started sightseeing. By the way, breakfast is anywhere between 15 and 20 dollars, and there is also a tip where you get the option of 22, 20 and 18%, but also a custom option for a larger or smaller tip. If you put a smaller one, they will think you are a Jew 🙂

I was expecting half-naked Playboy volleyball players, but the team looked more like they were working in the Eastern European IT company. Again, I’m watching too many movies.

Torkul extra virgin olive oil from the island of Korcula was a hit in Los Angeles. Greetings to Marija Zuvela 🙂

If you have $10 million to spare, you too can have a house on the oceanfront 🙂

We also visited John’s friend who lives nearby. He is a big fan of Donald Trump.

In fact, 90 percent of the people I spoke are supporting president Trump. Everyone is fed up with Woke America and illegal immigration. People say: Better a Trumpist than a communist 🙂 The movie poster for the new Disney movie Snow White is perhaps the best example of WOKE nonsense. The title itself says white as snow, and in the picture Snow White looks like a little Romanian gypsy girl who is stealing money on the local square. It’s not that she’s not beautiful, but next to Gal Gadot she looks like a dark-skinned HOBBIT that Gal Gadot couldn’t be jealous of even if she won the lottery. Americans don’t say it for nothing: Go Woke, Go Broke. The movie will be a box office fiasco.

In the meantime, I heard from my friend from Rijeka, Petra Semes, who lives and works in LA as a model. It turned out that she lives only 15 minutes away from us in Burbank. We agreed to go the next day to the Griffith Park Observatory, which has a view of Los Angeles, as well as the legendary Hollywood sign. For those who think that all of LA burned down, here’s proof that it didn’t. It’s a big city 🙂

I was looking for the beautiful Petra to be a model for the ”De Gotho” wines from the Kutjevo winery, which I brought to LA so that my American friends could enjoy the best Croatian wines. Amateurs take photos of wine with a glass and cork, and professionals take photos with top models 🙂

I posed in the end, but then panic set in. You could hear in the air: Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel… I told Petra that I’d better get behind the camera again because it’s neither the time nor the place to be signing autographs like Vin Diesel for the poor.

Later I met up with John who introduced me to another Korean friend who is also named John and is the marketing director of the SEGA company. I asked myself: “How will I distinguish them now? They have the same name, they look the same?” I expect an attack by politically correct Woke activists in 3.2…

They decided to take me to Koreatown to Quarters Korean BBQ. I asked John (Now you’re wondering which one) if I would personally be able to pick the puppies in the cage and say, “Give me that retriever?” He told me that I was full of prejudice and that they don’t eat dogs. He even has two French bulldogs as pets. Dexter and Zoe. I wondered, why did he name one after a serial killer?

He was bothered by something else. He asked me why I always took pictures of Dexter and never Zoe? I told him that Zoe has a problem with her eyes, that she’s not very photogenic, like she’s staring at a cross. Dexter always looks great in the picture. He got angry. He asked me: “Zoe is cool. Aren’t you the best photographer in the world?” I replied: “Modesty forbids me, but yes, I am the best photographer, but I’m not David Copperfield. Maybe we should make an app for dogs? DOGapp.”

I’ve gone a little off topic, but I’ll come back to French bulldogs later. Where did we leave off? Yeah, Korean BBQ. I’ll still write that it was a dog on the grill to get more clicks. Even negative PR is good PR 🙂

I now have 2 best Asian friends 🙂

Someone told me that Americans pay for everything separately, but my people treated me like there was no tomorrow. I generously paid for a beer that costs around $10 in LA, and $6-7 during Happy Hour. For dinner we went to a famous restaurant in West Hollywood Dan Tana’s. Italian cuisine in the American style. Many Hollywood stars come there, and the owner of the restaurant is Croatian. Even two of the waiters are Croatians. It’s not the cheapest place and it’s not the best food I’ve had, but it’s definitely a restaurant to visit because it has a special atmosphere and the service is top notch.

The photo was taken at a neighboring location before going to the restaurant. Just so you can see that Dear Leader Joe is not like Zelenski. Vin Diesel for the poor wears a suit 🙂

John told me that there was a house in Burbank with a Croatian flag and that he had wanted to ring the doorbell a few times and say that he had a friend in Croatia. It turned out that my aunt Anica and her daughter, aka my cousin Katarina, live in that house, and it is located 5 minutes from John. What are the chances of this happening? Uncle Dragec, who died in 2024, and Aunt Anica left Yugoslavia in 1969 and went to America for a better life. This time the house had an American flag on it.

My second cousin Lori also lives in Burbank, about 15 minutes from John, so we had a family reunion. We hadn’t seen each other in 30 years. I remember when I was little we all ate fish and threw the fish heads on the plate. She said she’d give me $20 if I ate all the heads. Of course I ate them. I would have eaten them for $10 🙂

We went together for a typical American breakfast at Bea Bea’s. My favorite was the blue Hawaiian pancakes: blueberries, bananas and macadamia nuts. Of course we drizzled them with maple syrup. $19 for the best pancakes after the ones with white Lino Lado.

Knock, knock! Who is it! HEART ATTACK 🙂

Lori’s son, Anthony, has never been to Croatia. He asked me if Croatian women were attractive, if they spoke English, and if he has any chance with them. I promised him that he would find a girl within 24 hours of landing in Croatia. In the meantime, I’ll put an ad for him in the column so that all the Gold Diggers know who’s on the market 🙂

Anthony (23), real estate agent, Burbank, USA, 6 ft 3, is looking for a Croatian woman of similar age. Girls, just look at this curly hair. You can tell we’re related, and these American, white teeth. Not a single cavity. You can’t miss an opportunity like this 🙂

I told Lori that my lifelong dream was to play golf, so they took me to the golf course ”Hansen Dam Golf Course’‘ on which we practiced. One basket of golf balls costs $15. There were five of us and we each took two baskets. A total of $150. It’s not that expensive. Although I missed the ball at first, after only a few shots I got the nickname Tiger Joe 🙂

We celebrated my golf career with their favorite burgers, ”IN and OUT”. At one point, I proposed an advertising campaign for the burgers: Putin IN, Zelenski OUT. I don’t think anyone took me seriously. I was always ahead of my time. In any case, the burgers were great.

As the most famous sommelier in Croatiar, and perhaps in the world, I couldn’t return from California without visiting at least one of their wineries.  We headed to Santa Ynez, which is located about 30 minutes from Santa Barbara, and is known for its many wineries. The decision fell on Roblar winery.

Set on 50 acres of oak-clad vineyards, Roblar Winery embodies the spirit of the Santa Ynez Valley—RUSTIC, AUTHENTIC, and BOLD. Their philosophy is to showcase diversity with a selection of fine wines and a menu of locally sourced, farm-to-table food. If this description sounds a little GAY, it’s because I copied it from the internet.

The wine tasting is $30. You get 5 glasses of wine (1 dcl is a tasting measure, otherwise they pour 2 dcl everywhere), but five glasses of brutal wines. We got a sixth glass because the young Mexican woman realized I was an influential guest 🙂

My favorites are the Chardonnay 2022 platinum ($60 a bottle retail, and if you are a member of their wine club, then the price is $48) and the 2021 Petite Sirah ($48 a bottle and $38.40 if you are a member of the club)

We also ordered the Chef’s platter for $38. It looks nice, but the meat slices taste industrial. Not even close to our prosciutto and sausages.

It would have been professional if I had taken a picture of a bottle or at least a glass of wine, but I was so engrossed in the ambiance and the tasting that I completely forgot. Next time 🙂

Zelenski didn’t thank Trump, but I’ll thank John. I paid the bill in full and left a 20 percent tip. It’s not like it came out of my pocket. This entire trip is being funded by the taxpayers of Croatia 🙂

After the winery, we headed to a nearby Solvang. It’s called the Danish Capital of the United States. In 1911, Solvang was founded by three Danish immigrants who purchased nearly 10,000 acres of prime land in the Santa Ynez Valley, and in the 1930s, residents began building their homes in the Danish medieval style. The whole place looks like a movie set.

We were looking for a bar where we could have a drink before heading to Santa Barbara and we happened to stumble upon the High Roller Tiki Lounge where we met the bar manager Tayla who was so cool that we stayed much longer than we expected. She told me I looked like a celebrity. I asked her why? Tayla: The whole styling, the jacket, the glasses… cool look. I immediately told her: Give me the most expensive drink! Give me a draft of Bubblehead Blood Orange Pale. It hits your head like champagne 🙂

My friend Eva keeps teasing me about how I always have the same pick up line and I tell all the girls that I’m a photographer, but I really am a photographer among all the other things I do. hahaha Tayla has Indian blood or as they would say, she’s Native American. She entertained us for an hour and a half with her crazy stories and said that she would love to visit Europe and Croatia, so we hope to meet her on our coast maybe this summer. I told her that we were rushing to Santa Barbara and that I had to visit that city before we left because my grandmother was in the group that paid for the masses so that Eden could walk again. The older generation will remember the soap opera Santa Barbara and the madness that ensued when Eden ended up in a wheelchair. To end our time together, I did a whole PhotoSession with Tayla. She is not like Zoe 🙂

More photos on my Instagram Dear Leader Joe.

If you come to Solvang, be sure to visit High Roller Tiki Lounge and Tayla. Best time ever.

We arrived a little late in Santa Barbara so we didn’t have time to do much sightseeing or go to the beach, but we did go to the Milk and Honey restaurant that Tayla recommended to us.

Forgive me, God, for ordering a non-alcoholic Gin & Tonic.

Dates wrapped in bacon are so fucking delicious. Dish of the day 🙂

We just got back from the best one-day road trip to Burbank and have already planned new gastronomic tours for the next day. For the past few years, I’ve been hearing from John how we in Croatia don’t know what good sushi is and that I have to try sushi in LA. What’s a must, isn’t hard. He took me to Kabosa. The Rice Eater was right. The best sushi I’ve ever had.

Of all the appetizers, the favorites were the Bluefin Toro ($20 each), Yellowtail Sp Sashimi ($22), Wagyu Sushi ($6 each), and Bluefin Toro ($20 each). The total bill for the two of us for a couple of premium appetizers was $241.73 plus a 20 percent tip on top of that. We had an iced tea and a beer. Worth every penny, especially when John pays. Thanks, Korean bro. You’ve got me covered. I wish I didn’t know what good sushi was. I have to invite him to a sushi party when my sister rolls cevapi with ajvar on rice. There’s no such thing in LA.

We got home, I put on my Studenac supermarket socks and watched TV. At that moment, Zoe sat down next to me and I realized: It’s now or never. She looks normal. That’s the pose I’ve been waiting for. I’m David Copperfield after all. Zoe looks good in the photo. John can’t complain anymore about me neglecting one French bulldog and favoring another. I’m the Cesar Milan of Croatia.

At that moment, my third cousin Tanya, Lori and Katarina’s sister, contacted me. She was last time in Croatia in 2007.

She told me I could take a train in Burbank and be with her in two hours in Laguna Hills, which is in Orange County near Laguna Beach. Even wealthier people live there, and where there are wealthier people, there is the Dear Leader Joe. I went out to party, and John got two days to recover from me 🙂

She showed me Dana Point Harbor. There you can enjoy the view of sea lions, do some shopping, eat in restaurants or catch a boat to Catalina Island.

After the marina we headed to Laguna Beach where Tanya’s husband Kai works as a cheef lifeguard. First we went to Nico’s for lunch. Tanya’s crispy chicken sandwich was supposed to be my choice, but I had the salmon. The fish was good, but a sandwich is a sandwich 🙂

There I ate the best cake of my life aka Butter cake. 14 dollars of pure pleasure. I hate Cucerje cakes!

I had a few hours of nice weather that morning, and then the clouds rolled in over the lagoon and it started to rain.

I received a lifeguard hat, T-shirts, towel and a special rescue tour in their new electric vehicle, Rivian, as a gift. Kai wanted to teach me how to surf, but the weather wasn’t ideal. Because of the cold ocean, he would get me a special suit, and Kai added that if I was still cold, I could pee in my suit and it would immediately warm me up. We did that like kids at the pool. I’ve been training for it my whole life, without even knowing it 🙂 I asked him if they save people even if they don’t have insurance against drowning or if they’re Mexicans without a residence permit, but he said they save everyone, regardless of their financial status, insurance, or papers. They have 10,000 interventions a year.

The other day Tanya was showing me luxury homes in Laguna Hills where doctors and lawyers live, and house prices range from 5-6 million dollars and up. I thought my friend John was wealthy, but now I see he’s not. I even thought about stopping hanging out with him. It’s not his fault, it’s me. I’m allergic to poor people 🙂

I sent photos to my family back home, and my mother and father commented on them in their own style: “Have you been to Uncle Dragec’s grave? Did you light a candle for him? Their cemeteries are simpler than ours, cheaper. They don’t have those big tombstones like ours. Just grass around. Ask them if it gets muddy when it rains?…” I decided to take a trip dedicated to the world’s cemeteries, to satisfy their curiosity.

Tanya and I went shopping before I left for San Clemente Outlet. Two pairs of Vans sneakers for $45, I bought Tanya some Nike sneakers for only $30, and two pairs of high-top Nike sneakers for myself for only $200. It’s worth coming to America with empty suitcases, just to shop. I forgot to mention that Tanya is professional organizer. This is her page www.functioningspaces.com

We stopped by the Irvin Spectrum before I left. Another great shopping mall that is also a paradise for video game fans. If you are a gamer or want to get rid of the kids for a few hours, visit Dave & Buster.

John met me at the Burbank train station. I asked him to go for a quick visit to West Coast Customs which is located a minute from the station. If you haven’t seen them on TV, they specialize in car modifications and building crazy custom cars. These are not the kind of modifications you do when you put a tennis ball on the hook of a Yugo or hang a crown on your rearview mirror. This is a level up. Some of their clients include: Shaquille O’Neal, Mark Wahlberg, Justin Bieber, Conan O’Brien, etc.

I told John that I asked my cousin Lori to take me to a See’s Candy store so I could buy some sweet gifts for my brothers and sisters and get something for their kids. She took me to a top chocolate shop, where a box of pralines costs almost $50. I told her: “I’m not buying for myself. What do they know about good chocolate? Take me to a supermarket where ordinary people buy those GMO poisons. I’ll take that from them :)”

John said he knew a good store where I bought a whole bag of sweet poisons (Nerds, Sour Patch, Reese’s, etc.) for my loved ones for about $50. No one can tell me that Dear Leader Joe is not a family man.

Lori knows that I’m a big fan of jazz and good food, so that day she booked dinner for us at the famous jazz club, the Vibrato Grill Jazz restaurant. They have three different bands per night and each set costs just $25 per person to enter, plus food and drinks. We stayed for the first set. Great place. It cost us around $150 per person with the ticket. Not bad 🙂

John complained to Lori that every time he comes to Zagreb, he goes crazy on Sunday because everyone has family lunches and there’s nothing to do, and no one has ever invited him to a family lunch. He asked me why I never invited him to Cucerje for Sunday lunch if we’re such good friends? I tried to explain to him that Sunday lunch is a sacred Croatian tradition and that we’re a respectable Catholic family. The crucified Jesus is watching us from the wall while we eat. What would my God-fearing parents say if I brought a cross-eyed male person to Sunday lunch? They would accuse me of being gay and remove me from their will. John said: “But I have a Bulgarian girlfriend and your nephew is Afro-Japanese. Your parents should like Asians?” I told him: “No one will believe an Asian guy has a Bulgarian girlfriend. Your eyes give you away. It would also be a problem if you were an Asian girl. They would ask: Why her, next to so many beautiful Croatian girls? You can do better. My grandmother told my sister before giving birth: A dog can be black, but a child NO! She also prayed in church that the child would be white. Of course everyone loved him later, but there was resistance :)”

John said I was making it up, and then Lori jumped in to my defense and said that they grew up like that too. If they brought someone to lunch, they would start an interrogation that even the CIA agents in Guantanamo wouldn’t be ashamed of: Who are you? Who are you with? What are your intentions? Do you believe in God? And which God do you believe in? What’s wrong with your skin? Why don’t you eat pork? Why don’t you drink brandy?…. Croats are not racists. We hate all people equally. In the end, we accept them if they survive verbal torture 🙂

That evening, Matko from the Kutjevo winery told me that their Grasevina De Gotho had won the ”Best of Show Croatia white” award for the best rated white wine from Croatia at the international Mundus Vini Spring Tasting 2025 competition, held in Neustadt, Germany, and in total they had won 3 gold and 4 silver medals for their wines.

We returned to John’s house and I told them the good news and that they would now have the opportunity to taste the best Croatian white wine. The honor of opening the bottle went to SEGA’s marketing expert, aka John 2. At first he didn’t understand what variety it was, so I explained to him that it was Grasevina, the most popular Croatian wine variety. After the second glass, he said that this was the best white wine he had ever tasted. He couldn’t take his Korean smile off his face. I promised him that I would take him on a tour of the winery when he comes to Croatia. We had a great after party. Koreans are hilarious. They have a similar sense of humor to us. If you watch the movie ”Parasite”, everything will be clear to you.

For my last day in LA, John invited me to join his friends at TOP GOLF. It’s like bowling, only it’s golf. Food, booze, fun, but you feel like you’ve made it in life, not like you’re living in a trailer. Great crew. Most of them are in some kind of real estate business, Josh works at Warner Records, John 1 is also in the music business (Rap music catalogs). America has this culture of entrepreneurship. There’s a sense of positivity in the air, an opportunity to make money. They don’t have our mindset: entrepreneur = criminal.

Carlos said I look like I’m from LA now 🙂

I was last in the first game, but in the second I finished in 3rd place. Tiger Joe 🙂

 

Top-notch entertainment. About 100 dollars per person, but pure enjoyment, even for someone like me who has never played golf.

For dinner we went to the famous Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. I wanted to spend some money on an expensive watch, but at 6 pm on a Saturday all the watch stores were closed. We went to Mastro’s steakhouse for dinner. There was a touch of snobbery in the air. The store clerks know right away if you are of lower income and look at you with disgust 🙂

Excellent food in the restaurant, great ambiance and top-notch live music. The head sommelier is from Serbia so we chatted a bit. The people on the side thought we were Russian spies 🙂 We ordered a large Cesar salad, Shrimp cocktail, Two large steaks, a couple of glasses of wine, a cocktail, butter cake and the whole bill was 410 dollars. I would have spent more in Zagreb in a restaurant like this, not to mention island of Hvar. Cocktails at almost all locations range from 12 to 16 dollars. They pour a full glass of wine, not like here, just in few drops. Croatia is ridiculously expensive.

On the last day, I asked Lori to show me what the areas of LA that were destroyed by the fire looked like. So far, I’ve only written about beautiful things, but life changes in an instant. People lost everything overnight. I had to document it. She took me to Altadena, which looks like the set for the new Mad Max sequel.

She was driving me to the airport and then I remembered that we didn’t have a single photo of us together. She said there was a great place in Chinatown in Los Angeles where we could take pictures.

We had to take a patriotic photo near the Church of St. Anthony in Chinatown, Los Angeles. That’s where the Croatian community gathers. Now you’re probably wondering, what was it like at the Oscars? That was just a clickbait title so that the suffering people would read Dear Leader’s column. I don’t have time for the awards. I didn’t get to go to Las Vegas, San Diego, New Orleans to Warner Bros. and Universal Studios. I also wanted to watch the live game between the LA Clippers and Los Angeles Lakers, but I didn’t manage to secure VIP tickets in time, which cost $1,000, and I was supposed to get them for free via a link, and we didn’t want to watch the game for $250 from the back row of the hall. In any case, 11 days is too little for California. I had a prejudice that the food there was bad, but the food was great. I also thought that everything was getting more expensive there, but the prices in restaurants were the same as here, only the tips were higher.

Clothes are cheaper, food in stores is more expensive, healthcare and housing are more expensive, but it is much easier to make big money there. Unlike us, they have a market. Next time I will come for at least 3 weeks (I will not visit museums then either. I want to experience the city through the eyes of the locals. Where they go, I will go too.).

Now I have new friends there, and maybe I will start a business in America. I would like to take this opportunity to thank John once again for his hospitality and for helping me to reunite with my American relatives. It is difficult to find a friend who would put all his work aside for 11 days and dedicate himself to you so that you have the best experience. I will repay him in Croatia. I am taking him to the best cevapi in town 🙂 Before leaving, I left him a bottle of De Gotho Pinot Noir. He deserves to drink only the best 🙂

Good bay again to Petra, Lori, Tanya and their families, Katarina and Anica, John 2, Carlos and the entire Top Golf team. Good bye to Marijana, Sasa and Raajev, whom I didn’t get to see, but there will be a chance next time I come. I will kill you my brother Kresimir, who after I bought a bunch of sweets, sent me a message asking if he would like to try a Twinkie. Of course I couldn’t find Twinkie anywhere and then at the last minute I managed to buy two packages at the airport and I spit on $10 for them. It doesn’t cost more than $2 at 7 Eleven. No more orders next time.

PS: To my uncle Dragec, to whom I always played when he visited us in Croatia. R.I.P.

Author: Josip Novosel aka Dragi Vođa aka Vin Diesel for the poor, a self-deprecating loan shark from Croatia, a correspondent for the magazine ”Go Woke, Go Broke”, a friend of the wealthy, first and foremost a human, and only then a tycoon and Gastro Snob 🙂

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