{"id":26471,"date":"2025-03-19T17:06:47","date_gmt":"2025-03-19T16:06:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/flash.hr\/?p=26471"},"modified":"2025-03-20T23:39:00","modified_gmt":"2025-03-20T22:39:00","slug":"dear-leader-joe-at-the-oscars-in-los-angeles","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/flash.hr\/en\/2025\/03\/dear-leader-joe-at-the-oscars-in-los-angeles\/","title":{"rendered":"Dear Leader Joe at the Oscars in Los Angeles"},"content":{"rendered":"

A red light turned on in the Central Committee of Cucerje (Mother of the all shitholes in Croatia where my parents live). Word got out that the Dear Leader Joe was traveling to Los Angeles for the Oscars. No one from that shithole had ever gone on such a glamorous trip. For the suffering people of Cucerje, this was like landing a man on the moon. The only ones more excited were the representatives of the Hollywood elite. Margot Robbie “I was the first to follow him on Instagram, he’s mine, you cow…! Anya Taylor Joy: “Who cares, you goat! He’s mine…!” ”Kendal Jenner: “I didn’t go under the knife to leave him to you. Boom… Trass! AAA…. Bitch! Not for extensions!”<\/span><\/p>\n

My family couldn’t hide their delight. Mother: “Who pays for your trips?” Father: “CIA!” Brother Miroslav: “I know him well. He’s stingy. He’s going now because there was a fire in Los Angeles. It’s probably cheaper now. You know he has a snake in his wallet!” Brother Kresimir: ”What are you going to do there if everything is burned? Your plane will surely crash, and if you survive the flight, someone will kill you there. Don’t you watch the news? In America, everyone has guns. They kill someone every now and then. You’re a perfect target. It’ll be all over the news that a Croatian influencer was killed.” Sister Helena: ”It’s not fair! I want to go to America too. Take me with you! One more question: Who gets your apartment if they kill you?”<\/span><\/p>\n

Our people don’t say silence is golden for nothing. I shouldn’t tell them anything. I filled out the ESTA form, bought a plane ticket (850 euros) and headed to Hollywood. Before I turned off my phone, on the WhatsApp family group: ”Three Assholes and a Slut”, I read warm brotherly greetings: Brother Kresimir: ”Watch the movie ”Cast Away” before the plane trip, just in case, so you’re prepared for anything that could happen to you. Brother Miroslav: ”A film about one of the most horrific plane crashes in history has arrived on Netflix…” Brother Kresimir also sends a link: ”Aviation and plane crashes – Statistics” <\/span><\/p>\n

One would wonder: ”What could possibly go wrong after such warm greetings?” To my joy, I landed in Los Angeles alive and well, but to my regret, my suitcase did not. It got stuck during a layover in Amsterdam. They asked me if I had anything valuable in my suitcase. I couldn’t speak from shock. A picture speaks a thousand words: Two bottles of De Gotho wine, Rolex, Torkul olive oil, Milo Hrnic hit record… Tears flowed down my beautiful tycoon eyes.<\/span><\/p>\n

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LA kofer – De Gotho Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Cucer’s spells bore fruit. To make matters worse, my new Xiaomi 14 ultra Chinese mobile phone did not support an E-sim card, but neither an American Sim card, so I was condemned to 11 days of searching for WIFI and begging for Hot Spots. I was picked up at the airport by my Korean friend John, with whom I was a guest in Burbank. I greeted him warmly: “Where are you, Rice eater?”, and he greeted me even more warmly: “I’m here, Cevapi King”. I bragged to him about how my arrival in LA had started and at that moment there was a bang. Some Mexican guy crashed into our car on the highway. Cartel’s attack on me on the first day? In fact, it was a chain collision because he also picked up an Asian woman. This is the Cucer’s curse: ”My brothers really want to kill me. Not even Cain behaved this way towards Abel. Come to think of it, Cain killed Abel… Fuck!” John and I looked at each other and realized we were alive and well. I said to him, ”Maybe this is God’s punishment for driving an electric car. I know you don’t complain at free transportation, but who picks up a friend in a Tesla?<\/span><\/p>\n

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TESLA Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We made a circle, pulled over to the side, and then I expected a Croatian-style argument to start: “You jerk! How are you driving?” The Mexican pulls out a knife, John pulls out a gun, the Asian girl plays an American Ninja…, I heroically run away…, but I’ve obviously watched too many Hollywood movies. Everyone politely exchanged information, recorded the damage, and continued on their way. Any normal person would be happy because we’re all alive and well, but Dear Leader Joe is everything but not normal. I said to John: “How stupid I am! I should have said right away that I felt pain in my neck. It’s like I heard a crack after the crash. Is it too late to call an ambulance and a lawyer now? This might be my last chance to earn some big money. 10 million for the neck injury and another 10 for mental pain because I’m not the same anymore. I can’t sleep at night. “John just laughed and said: “You really watch too many movies. It’s not as simple as you think, and the compensation isn’t as great. If you can’t sleep, in your case, that’s what you call “Jet Leg”. You’ve arrived in a different time zone. 9 hours difference.<\/span><\/p>\n

Not even a great lunch at the nearby Mexican restaurant ”Coni’Seafood” could ease my sadness.<\/span><\/p>\n

Mexican fish – You eat burns, You shit burns \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

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Coni’Seafood meksi\u010dki restoran – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I wanted to order a Corona, but John warned me that they don’t drink it. Their Corona is like our Ozujsko, a beer for the construction workers. They mostly drink Modelo from Mexican beers, and he recommended that I get a Michelada – a Mexican drink made from beer, lime juice, various sauces (often chili-based), spices and chili peppers. It is served in a chilled glass rimmed with salt.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Michelada – Coni’Seafood – Mexican restaurant – Los Angeles
\nPhoto: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/p>\n

After lunch, we finally arrived at my friend’s modest home in Burbank. It is a small town in California. It is located in Los Angeles County, about 10 km northwest of the city of the same name. It is best known for being the headquarters of numerous companies, especially those in the entertainment and media industries, and is therefore also known as the “Media Capital of the World”: <\/span>ABC<\/a>, NBC<\/a>, SEGA<\/a>, The Walt Disney Company<\/a>, Warner Bros.<\/a> i Warner Music Group<\/a>. A number of people from the entertainment world also live or have lived in the city: <\/span>Orlando Bloom<\/a>, Tim Burton<\/a>, Hilary Duff<\/a>, Zac Efron<\/a>, Ron Howard<\/a>, Shia LaBeouf<\/a>, Jay Leno<\/a>, Sean Penn<\/a>, Eddie Van Halen <\/a>and others. Dear Leader Joe don’t hang out with the peasants \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Burbank – Los Angeles, Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Burbank – Los Angeles Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Burbank – Los Angeles Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I discovered Otto’s, a store run by a Hungarian, on the street next to us. It sells only European groceries and also sells Croatian products like Vegeta, Cokolino, our wines, and numerous other Croatian products.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Otto’s
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

The other day I told John that I wanted to elevate myself culturally. Since he knows me well, he took me to a shopping mall, but not just any mall. Americana in Glendale. Brutal as it looks. People even have apartments within the mall, fountains, a mini tram, Phil Collins softly singing from the speakers… Shopping paradise.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Americana at Brand Valet Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Americana at Brand Valet
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Americana at Brand Valet
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We had to try the most famous cheesecake at ”The Cheesecake Factory” located within Americana. Each slice has 1000 to 1500 calories. We decided on this diet version with only 1000 calories. My new nickname is Fat Joe \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Americana at Brand Valet – The Cheesecake Factory
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Since we didn’t have lunch, after dessert we had no choice but to get in the car and go for brutal smash burgers at the “For The Win” burger joint. The combination of soft buns on a bed of “GMO” cheese that melted in your mouth like Albanian ice cream in the summer heat and juicy meat that was crunchy like the insects that the Bill Gates is feeding us to replace protein in our diet. Perfection of taste. Americans really know how to make a good burger.<\/span><\/p>\n

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For The Win smash burgeri
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We had to cancel our dinner reservation at the Italian restaurant Cipriani in Beverly Hills because the delivery guy called us to say that my suitcase had arrived and would be delivered to our home address around 7pm. Finally, clean clothes \ud83d\ude42 We agreed to go to Manhattan Beach tomorrow – a neighborhood in the South Bay with the Strand bike path that stretches along a kilometer of sandy beach along the ocean and passes by modern houses and numerous volleyball courts. <\/span><\/p>\n

We ordered breakfast at a local restaurant and started sightseeing. By the way, breakfast is anywhere between 15 and 20 dollars, and there is also a tip where you get the option of 22, 20 and 18%, but also a custom option for a larger or smaller tip. If you put a smaller one, they will think you are a Jew \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Manhattan Beach
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Manhattan Beach
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Manhattan Beach
Poto: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was expecting half-naked Playboy volleyball players, but the team looked more like they were working in the Eastern European IT company. Again, I’m watching too many movies.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Manhattan Beach
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Torkul extra virgin olive oil from the island of Korcula was a hit in Los Angeles. Greetings to Marija Zuvela \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n

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Torkul extra virgin olive oil – Manhattan Beach
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

If you have $10 million to spare, you too can have a house on the oceanfront \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Manhattan Beach
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We also visited John’s friend who lives nearby. He is a big fan of Donald Trump.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Donald Trump Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Donald Trump Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

In fact, 90 percent of the people I spoke are supporting president Trump. Everyone is fed up with Woke America and illegal immigration. People say: Better a Trumpist than a communist \ud83d\ude42 The movie poster for the new Disney movie Snow White is perhaps the best example of WOKE nonsense. The title itself says white as snow, and in the picture Snow White looks like a little Romanian gypsy girl who is stealing money on the local square. It’s not that she’s not beautiful, but next to Gal Gadot she looks like a dark-skinned HOBBIT that Gal Gadot couldn’t be jealous of even if she won the lottery. Americans don’t say it for nothing: Go Woke, Go Broke. The movie will be a box office fiasco.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Snow White – Go Woke, Go Broke Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
<\/div>\n

In the meantime, I heard from my friend from Rijeka, Petra Semes, who lives and works in LA as a model. It turned out that she lives only 15 minutes away from us in Burbank. We agreed to go the next day to the Griffith Park Observatory, which has a view of Los Angeles, as well as the legendary Hollywood sign. For those who think that all of LA burned down, here’s proof that it didn’t. It’s a big city \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Los Angeles
Poto: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I was looking for the beautiful Petra to be a model for the ”De Gotho” wines from the Kutjevo winery, which I brought to LA so that my American friends could enjoy the best Croatian wines. Amateurs take photos of wine with a glass and cork, and professionals take photos with top models \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Petra Semes – De Gotho – Griffith Park Observatory – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Petra Semes – De Gotho – Griffith Park Observatory – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Dear Leader Joe – De Gotho
Photo: Petra Semes, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I posed in the end, but then panic set in. You could hear in the air: Vin Diesel, Vin Diesel… I told Petra that I’d better get behind the camera again because it’s neither the time nor the place to be signing autographs like Vin Diesel for the poor.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Petra Semes – De Gotho – Griffith Park Observatory – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Petra Semes – De Gotho – Griffith Park Observatory – Los Angeles
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Later I met up with John who introduced me to another Korean friend who is also named John and is the marketing director of the SEGA company. I asked myself: “How will I distinguish them now? They have the same name, they look the same?” I expect an attack by politically correct Woke activists in 3.2…<\/span><\/p>\n

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John – SEGA
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

They decided to take me to Koreatown to Quarters Korean BBQ. I asked John (Now you’re wondering which one) if I would personally be able to pick the puppies in the cage and say, “Give me that retriever?” He told me that I was full of prejudice and that they don’t eat dogs. He even has two French bulldogs as pets. Dexter and Zoe. I wondered, why did he name one after a serial killer?<\/span><\/p>\n

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Francuski buldog – Dexter
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

He was bothered by something else. He asked me why I always took pictures of Dexter and never Zoe? I told him that Zoe has a problem with her eyes, that she’s not very photogenic, like she’s staring at a cross. Dexter always looks great in the picture. He got angry. He asked me: “Zoe is cool. Aren’t you the best photographer in the world?” I replied: “Modesty forbids me, but yes, I am the best photographer, but I’m not David Copperfield. Maybe we should make an app for dogs? DOGapp.” <\/span><\/p>\n

I’ve gone a little off topic, but I’ll come back to French bulldogs later. Where did we leave off? Yeah, Korean BBQ. I’ll still write that it was a dog on the grill to get more clicks. Even negative PR is good PR \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Quarters Korean BBQ
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Quarters Korean BBQ
Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Quarters Korean BBQ
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I now have 2 best Asian friends \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Quarters Korean BBQ – 2 x John
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Someone told me that Americans pay for everything separately, but my people treated me like there was no tomorrow. I generously paid for a beer that costs around $10 in LA, and $6-7 during Happy Hour. For dinner we went to a famous restaurant in West Hollywood <\/span>Dan Tana’s. <\/strong><\/a>Italian cuisine in the American style. Many Hollywood stars come there, and the owner of the restaurant is Croatian. Even two of the waiters are Croatians. It’s not the cheapest place and it’s not the best food I’ve had, but it’s definitely a restaurant to visit because it has a special atmosphere and the service is top notch. <\/span><\/p>\n

The photo was taken at a neighboring location before going to the restaurant. Just so you can see that Dear Leader Joe is not like Zelenski. Vin Diesel for the poor wears a suit \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Dragi Vo\u0111a – West Hollywood
Photo: John, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

John told me that there was a house in Burbank with a Croatian flag and that he had wanted to ring the doorbell a few times and say that he had a friend in Croatia. It turned out that my aunt Anica and her daughter, aka my cousin Katarina, live in that house, and it is located 5 minutes from John. What are the chances of this happening? Uncle Dragec, who died in 2024, and Aunt Anica left Yugoslavia in 1969 and went to America for a better life. This time the house had an American flag on it.<\/span><\/p>\n

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Burbank – Los Angeles Photo: Dear Leader Joe, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

My second cousin Lori also lives in Burbank, about 15 minutes from John, so we had a family reunion. We hadn’t seen each other in 30 years. I remember when I was little we all ate fish and threw the fish heads on the plate. She said she’d give me $20 if I ate all the heads. Of course I ate them. I would have eaten them for $10 \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Lori – Burbank Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

We went together for a typical American breakfast at Bea Bea’s. My favorite was the blue Hawaiian pancakes: blueberries, bananas and macadamia nuts. Of course we drizzled them with maple syrup. $19 for the best pancakes after the ones with white Lino Lado. <\/span><\/p>\n

Knock, knock! Who is it! HEART ATTACK \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Bea Bea’s: Havajske pala\u010dinke
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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Lori, Anthony and Markus
Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Lori’s son, Anthony, has never been to Croatia. He asked me if Croatian women were attractive, if they spoke English, and if he has any chance with them. I promised him that he would find a girl within 24 hours of landing in Croatia. In the meantime, I’ll put an ad for him in the column so that all the Gold Diggers know who’s on the market \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

Anthony (23), real estate agent, Burbank, USA, 6 ft 3, is looking for a Croatian woman of similar age. Girls, just look at this curly hair. You can tell we’re related, and these American, white teeth. Not a single cavity. You can’t miss an opportunity like this \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n

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Anthony – Burbank Photo: Dear Leader Joe – Dragi Vo\u0111a, Flash.hr<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I told Lori that my lifelong dream was to play golf, so they took me to the golf course <\/span>”<\/span>Hansen Dam Golf Course’<\/strong><\/a>‘ <\/span>on which we practiced. One basket of golf balls costs $15. There were five of us and we each took two baskets. A total of $150. It’s not that expensive. Although I missed the ball at first, after only a few shots I got the nickname Tiger Joe \ud83d\ude42<\/span><\/p>\n