I recently wrote about Split and Hvar and put the headline: “Stay home if you are poor.” It’s not that I complained about the prices and my friends from the Netherlands were ok with them, not to mention the English, Scandinavians and other foreigners. So, Hvar and Split are not as expensive as you are poor, and best of all, Hvar has never been cheaper than this year. Half of Zagreb flocked there. Apartments are cheaper as well as restaurants and even Carpe Diem.
I announced on facebook the other day that Dear Leader was visiting Hvar with a note to all the wealthy caterers to contact me and small business are free to avoid me all together as if I had Corona. Less than five minutes later, a returnee from the USA, Anthony Jurica, called me. There are two restaurants in Hvar on St. Stjepan square – “Hanibal” and Asian restaurant “Spice“.
Anthony is from the island of Lastovo, but since all the money is on Hvar, he threw himself into entrepreneurial waters here. He told me then that he was closed for business, but that he would open restaurants in two weeks when more guests came to Hvar so that as an influential Gastro Snob I would have to give my value judgment about his cousine. He assured me that on Hvar you can eat well at affordable prices.
I was supposed to come with my colleague Rea who is a vegetarian, but she canceled the trip at the last minute because she had a flood in the apartment. I told her a hundred times that eating vegetables would revenge on her. Misfortune never falls upon the carnivores.
I have been thinking for a long time to buy some land on Hvar and build a villa with a swimming pool. I got incentives so I could invest them wisely. It was as if God heard my wishes because I immediately saw my colleague Tamara, the owner of theTomTamarchitectural office in Zagreb, as I was leaving the catamaran.
She was there with her friend Ana, whom I also know. I invited them to join me for lunch at the Hanibal restaurant and immediately let Tamara know that I was expecting a project for Villa Dear Leader Joe. Concrete lions at the entrance, a fountain with a dolphin, a picture of Mother Teresa at the bottom of the pool… all in good taste. I want everything to look luxurious and with style.
We settled on the beautiful terrace of a restaurant that was not named after the cannibal from the movie but afterHanibal Lucićabout whom you heard the same as about Madagascar. He wasCroatian Renaissancepoet and playwright, author of the first secular dramainCroatian language.
We ordered steak tartare and tuna tartare for an appetizer.
The food arrived on the table fairly quickly and I immediately put on a smile like Franjo Tudjman when he first rigged the election. Tartar melted in my mouth like ice in the refrigerator of cashier Helga. Now, Karen from the outskirts will surely say: “I would never eat raw meat. Phew!”. What to say to such people? Better to eat raw than to be poor.
I immediately said to the kind waitress, “Two glasses of white wine for me and Tamara and a glass of water for Ana.” My arm is short but generous.
I must have been extremely witty because Ana didn’t stop laughing. I think at one point she even told me I was funnier than Donald Trump’s hair flying in the wind.
Time passes well in good company, so it was time for the main course. We ordered an avocado burger, chicken breast with bacon and gnocchi with shrimps and truffles.
I didn’t mention to the waitress that I wanted a medium done burger so it was well done which most people like, but I’m not the majority. The burger must be medium done, just enough reddish on the inside. Fuck it, my mistake. It was tasty anyway. The gnocchi and chicken were great and the bacon was perfectly crispy.
I ordered a Corona and looked up at the sky saying, “God, did you choose me to get Corona? Did you choose me to travel the world and eat at good restaurants? “
God: “I did not choose anyone for anything. Stop using me for promotional purposes. I will crucify you! “
Finally, we ordered a delicious chocolate cake to send a message to everyone who doesn’t have it: “Let them eat cake”
Great food in a great location in great company and really extremely friendly and unobtrusive staff. Life is beautiful when you are an influencer and do nothing. I mean, we can’t all live off of digging potatoes. A glass of wine is 25 kn, beefsteak 80 kn, gnocchi with truffles 80 kn, avocado burger 80 kn… prices as I would expect in Zagreb, but not on Hvar. I thought it would be a lot more expensive. I know that the cashier Helga will say: “Is that cheap for you? That kind of money puts food on my table for a week!” What should I tell her now? “Of course it does when you cook hot dogs and microwave soup.” It can be cheaper in Vir, Pirovac or Pešćenica, but for Hvar these are really low prices.
There was nothing left but to go swimming on one of the most beautiful beaches on Hvar. Pokonji dol bay. I will take this opportunity to greet the owner of Mustačo bar and restaurant in the bay.
Tamara and Ana were returning to Zagreb the next day and Ana heavily looked at the vast blue one last time… I’ll burp. I just wanted you to feel for a moment what it is like when hipster journalist writes. You will now appreciate my work more.
PS: I know that the owner’s sister thinks: “That bastard! He never mentioned me and I kept him company and helped him with accommodation and photography. I wish he doesn’t live to see the sunrise again!” Namely, she will be mentioned in a column about their Asian restaurantSpice. She is such a complex and special person that she cannot be described in two sentences. An entire column is needed and it may even be in sequels.
Author: Josip Novosel aka Dear Leader aka Vin Diesel for the poor – selfeffacing caster of curses from Chucherye, a corresponding member of the “Not every Hanibal is a cannibal” magazine, a friend to the wealthy, a tycoon and a Gastro Snob but above all a human.