The other day I got a call from my secretary Stephanie and she said: “The day is as cold as a whore’s heart. Let’s go to the snow, let’s go snowboarding…” I replied: “You know how to board?” Steph: “I boarded once when I was drunk. I would have to remember a bit. You?” Me: “Haven’t gone in a while.” I was embarrassed to say that the only snowboarding experience I had was sledging in The mother of all shit holes – Chucherye.
Graciozan i na saonicama, Svemogući Vođa spušta se poput Ivice Kostelića niz strmu padinu.Ps: U pozadini su neki čobani, budale!
I said to her: “Let’s find a snowboarding school and learn how to board properly.” Steph: “I’ve only just graduated from school and you’ll make me go back to one again?! Ok, I’ll sacrifice. I wouldn’t wanna die on Sljeme” (mountain over Zagreb). I called my boarder friend who recommended SLJEME SCHOOL. There they told us we needed to get suits and gloves and the rest would be provided by them. We went to the “Surf Shop” and choose our equipment. They told us to come to Sljeme on Thursday and Friday at 9 am. Namely, Steph and I are influencers so we didn’t have to wait until weekend to enjoy the snow.
Steph already had a suit but was missing gloves and I had nothing except a hat. Actually, I had a ski suit, but it seemed a little bit out of style.
Jebeš Luku i Bornu, jebeš Šladming i Kromplatz. Prava elita skija (čitaj sanjka) u Čučerju. Majka mi je posudila…
My friend gave me his old snowboarding jacket and another friend, who is as short as a hobbit, bought me a pair of pants and gave me his skiing gloves. There are still some decent people in this world. Pants were, naturally, too tight for me so his name came up in my curses a lot that day. I took them back to the store and bought another pair on discount for mere 400kn. I wanted to buy black pants, but Steph said I would look like I was going to a funeral – fashion RIP. She got a pair of gloves and we were ready to crash kamikaze style.
Our instructor Tomislav picked us up at Mihaljevac on Thursday and took us to Sljeme. First he explained we needed to warm up and afterwards he taught us how to properly connect our boots to the boards, how to stand up on a board, the proper posture as well as how to fall without breaking our arms, legs and necks.
Instructor noticed my potential immediately so he asked me nicely to show others how to properly fall on their head.
Everyone was quite impressed by my falling skills and I heard them say, look at him, he could be a stunt double; he looks just like Vin Diesel, if Vin Diesel was poor.
At the start, Steph fell as if she had anemia.
I tried to encourage her a little bit: “BOARD FOR FUCK SAKE”
Boarding is quite rough on your legs so I thought I’d have muscle pain. Luckily, I woke up in the morning with mere flu. Coughing, vomiting, dizzy, high fever and at that moment Steph came up to me and said: “Joe! Will you die now?” I replied: “If I die, I will die in snow like a hero.” I got hooked on “white” like Trump on tweeting. “Let’s hit the slopes!”
I felt much more secure the next day. I’ve already learned some things and when I hit the first skier on the slope, I realized I was born to board. I am like Caitlyn Jenner on snow. “I didn’t crash into her, she totally crashed into me”.
Later on, the instructor asked me if I would be so kind to not really do 360 turns in mid air to make other students feel better about themselves. I said to him: “No problem. I shall contain my awesome acrobatic skills and pretend that I am still a beginner”.
I was surprised by how many people were there mid working day. They must be on their third annual FAKE sick leave, Croatian style. Honest people dig through dumpsters and don’t have time nor money to snowboard or ski.
Stephanie also advanced. She did 360 Ollies, except not mid air like I did, but not everyone can be as awesome.
Steph was smiling ear to ear. At one moment, boarding got her so turned on she jumped on a board and emerged herself in snowy passions. I have recorded the moment and posted it on Snow PORN page.
The next day we learned how to turn. Our instructor was amazing, but obsessed with killing. He kept reminding me: “Please Joe, don’t kill someone.” Everyone kind of got the hang of it and enjoyed the snow.
In the end we got some useful advice from our instructor and there was nothing more for us to do except take a couple of selfies and go eat bean stew and sausages. Snowboarding without selfies is like Catholic church without pedophiles. Expecting attack from “true believers” in 3, 2, 1…
I was a bit scared of breaking the shit out of myself, but everything went perfectly. I was born for snow. I already told Steph I would cut her paycheck a bit to buy a new snowboard, but also made it known that she would accompany me to all of my boarding trips, even in Schladming, Aspen, Kromplatz and all the other golden youth’s favorites. Wherever Dear Leader goes, Steph goes.
Old Latins would say: “In vino veritas” or translated: “It’s better to go to skiing/snowboarding school than to be poor”.
Weekend school on Sljeme, 5 day school on Sljeme, night school on Sljeme and individual lessons.
Author: Josip Novosel aka Dear Leader, self effacing lover of “white fun”, corresponding member of the “Who snowboards is cool, who doesn’t snowboard, skis.”magazine, a friend to the wealthy, a tycoon and a snob but above all a human.