I was dieting this Saturday (half a kilo pasta with pesto sauce and some chicken for lunch) all because I didn’t want to ruin my appetite for my night out at the Primitivo bar/restaurant. I heard their food was great so I told myself: “Go there hungry and come back full!”
I’ve been trying to reach Primitivo owner on his cell the entire day and all I could hear was Cotton Eye Joe in the background. The dude isn’t answering but at least he has a great taste in music. Around 7 pm he called and said: “Ahhh, I kinda fell asleep. See ya at Primitivo.” I arrived a bit after 9 pm and stumbled upon my respectful columnist Trigger. He was waiting for a certain young lady. The one in question was late and Trigger was getting nervous. I said: “Let’s go to the bar and have a quick shot of schnapps.” The waiter recommended 2 shots of blueberry schnapps. Just as I turned towards my colleague to say cheers, I saw him nibbling on the glass.
“Trigger, bro…what are you doing? I know your date is late, but this glass is not to blame.” Trigger: “Nah mate, the glass is eatable. It’s made out of chocolate, can’t you see?”
Fuck me, that is a great idea. They serve schnapps out of eatable chocolate glasses! I chugged mine like I was a thirsty orphan and I couldn’t take the chocolate smile off of my face. I know I should’ve taken a photo of the glass but I fucking ate it too fast. What am I to do about it? Go to Primitivo yourself and see what it’s like. At that moment the young lady arrived and Trigger finally became cheerful.
We ordered a big plater of Croatian best Paški cheese, Drniš prosciutto, Slavonija kulen (spicy sausage slices) and a few decorative olives.
Great homeland appetizer food.
The young lady said she wasn’t hungry because she ate at home. Trigger and I exchanged a meaningful look and put on an expression of pure bliss, much like Juan Diego when Virgin Mary appeared before him for the first time. Ay, Dios Mio, thank you for these gifts. She is not hungry! We have the platter all to ourselves! I can’t recall when was the last time I ate such an amazing prosciutto and cheese and kulen sausage was just the right amount of spicy.
Primitivo has a substantial choice of good quality wines and we decided to freshen our throats with amazing Ilok Traminer. Trigger has been around the world and he knows how to appreciate a good drop of wine. He gently moved the glass closer to his nose in order to absorb all the scents. He was leaning the glass from left to right and observed the golden yellow colour of Traminer overrun the glass. He took a small sip and let all of the grape flavors evaporate down his mouth and throat. My approach to the degustation was slightly different. I chugged the first glass and decided that was the wine I would want to drink for the rest of the night. Sweet, but not too sweet and goes great with the platter we ordered.
My inner Keith Richards suddenly awoke and after two bottles of wine, I was even more satisfied with my choice. At that point, we were joined by the Primitivo owner, Chief Primat. He treated us with an amazing homemade hazelnut liquor and afterwards continued to enjoy drinking the Traminer with us.
Meanwhile, Trigger went to the theatre with the young lady in front of whom I pretended we actually call my friend Trigger Culture because of his indescribable love for the theatre. I even told her we met at the theatre, watching the musical “Cats” to emphasize the amount of my friends cultural uprising. As they left, a new course of food appeared on the table. There is no bullshit in Primitivo. No quails on a bed of nightingales tongues or other hipster things like that. It is all simple, homemade and tasty. I chose a pork loin with baked potatoes and salad. The meat was soft like butter. You could’ve cut it with paper. Just salty enough and the potatoes were tasty and crispy. The portion was more than adequate for someone with an appetite of a local construction worker. There is nothing worse than to be served a portion as if I’m Paris Hilton on a diet. If I payed for it, I want to get properly fed. I also liked the fact they had a Salvador Dali painting on the table and such things are very important to a snob like me. I can’t just eat off the Ikea table! Primitivo is a bar with style.
I loved the ambient. Intimate and comfortable. I was immediately drawn to a picture of a pig on the wall where you could see exactly where the belly, hooves or the ears were and you could decide which part to order. Other walls were decorated by photos of the best selling singer of all times – Croatian all star Misho Kovach and I also saw a Toto Cotugno photo. In the background you could hear a guitar player unobtrusively play Elvis Presley, Roy Orbison and other flash legends songs and afterwards the owner told me they had a gramophone with records and the guests can choose which record they want to listen to while they’re in the bar. That is really something unique and original in our restaurants offer. In fact, people who come to Primitivo feel more like they’re at a great house party than at a restaurant.
And even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to find one objection. I can already tell I’ll be a frequent guest here and I love it that they deliver food so I’m thinking about ordering a tuna steak for my next lunch (they have freshly caught Croatian wild tuna). All in all, PRIMITIVO = perversely good food, brutally low prices and when someone as cheap as me says that, it must be true.
PS: Unfortunately, there are two sides to every story, including this one. Namely, our colleague, respectful economic analyst magistrate Djordjevic, wasn’t so thrilled by Primitivo. He lost his shit and demonstratively left the building when he found out they served tuna on a plate. That is sacrilegious for him because the magistrate eats his tuna exclusively from a can. Namely, he is not only an economic analyst but also a gastro expert. An expert in saveloy and shmorn and a great connoisseur of serving tuna. Maybe you should just watch this video where the magistrate Djordjevic describes his Primitivo experience.
Author: JoeFlashhr aka Gastro Snob Joe, a friend of the wealthy, above all a human, at last but not least a taycoon and a snob.